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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:35 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00036"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR LOG #36
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 19:14:19 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Taglines from the internet

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... (Bo Dereck getting older).
Old age & treachery triumph over youth & vigor.
Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue.
To be a Californian means to have faults others don't.
Philosophic enjoyment = mutual misunderstanding.
Is evil a child of the nature or nurture of the beast?
God is a comic playing to an audience afraid to laugh.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 17:13:48 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.N   A collection of clean humor gather on  25 Jan 88

                A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE

SOCIALISM - You have two cows.  The government takes one to give
        to someone else.
COMMUNISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and gives
        you the milk.
FASCISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and sells
        you the milk.
NAZISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows.  The government takes both, shoots one
        and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM - You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book.  A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies,  "I am old, and I will die soon.  I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay.  I
already speak Russian."

To err is human, to forgive divine
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to do nothing, benign.
To err is human, to quit, resign.
To err is human, to howl about it, lupine.
To err is human, to solve it, design.
To err is human, to admit it, asinine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller
a note demanding money.  The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding
a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
 When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked
out the door.  It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.

     "There's only one thing about the 1988 Presidential race
 that worries me....someone has to win. "

Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.

I just heard via some TV reporter in Saigon that Vietnamese slang for
Russian sailors translates to 'Americans without money'.

----------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 20:16:18 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nietzsche and Menopause

                                 Copywright 1993 by Byron Lanning

Shakespeare said, "Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman on
menopause."

And while we're on the subject of menopause, the philosopher
Nietzsche once contemplated the question, "If women go into
menopause, do men go into womenopause?" He said this right after
kissing a horse. The authorities didn't think too much of his
kissing contemplation and threw him in the cook house, I
mean kook house.

In the asylum he underwent pre-Freudian therapy, at the time
considered a very crude therapy, even when one took into account
no one had invented psychiatry yet. Everyday Nietzsche had a
pre-Freudian session. It consisted of Nietzsche sitting in a
chair making paintings for Rorschach tests while his psychiatrist
lay on a couch sleeping. The session ended when his psychiatrist
woke up and said "That will be $75," and Nietzsche paid him in
cash. Despite the crudity of the theory, Nietzsche made great
progress, and in only a few weeks, he mistook his psychiatrist's
wife for a hat.

A short time later, pre-Freudian therapy made a big leap forward
in psychiatry. Psychiatrists took credit cards as well as cash.
By this time, however, Nietzsche had moved beyond pre-Freudian
therapy and gone into group therapy.

In group therapy, Nietzsche sat in a dunking booth while the
other members of the group threw baseballs at him. When they hit
the bull's eye and dropped him in the water, they cheered, "This
what I call psychiatry!" Nietzsche made even more progress here
and soon mistook his hat for his psychiatrist's wife.

After years in the asylum, the doctors declared him completely
sane except for one eccentric behavior. He ran through the halls
of the asylum screaming, "Lex Luther is trying to stick green
kryptonite down my shorts and take away my super powers!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 22:40:09 SAT
From:         TomCat <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Doctors

Hani i disagree with man .....Let the wheel rolling

i will tell you a jok i think it is kinda of silly but since a friend of mine
wants to be a doctor i will say it.

one day the phone ring in the doctor office. the doctor answered the phone
Doctor : Hello
Guy : hello doctor, do you have cotton ball?
Doctor: yes
Guy : put it in your asshole.

every day and the guy call and the doctor says the same thing, but after a
month the doctor notice his mistake and goes to the police department and told
them about the story the police man told him ok tell him you don't have cotton
and the problem will be solved.

next day
Phone ring.
Doctor : hello
Guy : hi doctor, do you have cotton ball?
Doctor: no (and he is happy since he got him)
Guy : ok doctor, you can take out from your asshole.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 20:23:09 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Comics page shorties

A few of my favorites from the Frank and Ernest strip:

Scene: office, impossibly messy desk
"The place was getting so cluttered that I spent all day organizing a new
piling system."

Scene: bookstore
"This self-help book didn't work. Do you have one on self-pity?"

Scene: the normal home, stuff strewn all over the place
"My mother tried to be a good housekeeper, but she said our family's
clutter led to togethermess."

And from a local computer-user freebie of six years ago:

Three men in lab coats. One is saying "Whirrrr," another "Kachunk,
kachunk," and the third "Hummmmm...."
Caption: Pioneers in computer simulation

"Always leave 'em laughing when you say good-bye..."
I don't know who said that, but it's time to
say good-bye to the funny folk,
and act like a tree,
and leave.

- Linda for the last time
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 07:02:27 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Shark <poem>

THE RHYME OF THE CHIVALROUS SHARK by Wallace Irwin

Most chivalrous fish of the ocean,
To lades forbearing and mild,
Though his record be dark,
Is the man-eating shark.
Who will eat neither woman nor child.

He dines upon seamen and skippers,
And tourists his hunger assuage,
And a fresh cabin boy
With inspire him with joy
If he's past the maturity age.

A doctor, a lawyer, a preacher,
He'll gobble a male one any day,
But the ladies, God bless 'em,
He'll only address 'em
Politely and go on his way.

I can readily cite you an instance
Where a lovely young lady of Breem,
Who was tender and sweet
And delicious to eat,
Fell into the bay with a scream.

She struggled and flounced in the water
And signaled in vain for her bark,
And she'd surely been drowned
If she hadn't been found
By a chivalrous man-eating shark.

 He owed in a manner most polished,
Thus soothing her impulses wild;
"Don't be frightened," he said,
I've been properly bred
And will eat neither woman nor child.

Then he proffered his fin
And she took it in--
Such a gallantry none can dispute--
While the passengers cheered
As the vessel they neared
And a broadside was fired in salute.

And they soon stood alongside the vessel,
When a life-saving dingy was lowered
With the pick of the crew,
And her relatives, too.
And the mate and the skipper aboard.

So they took her aboard in a jiffy,
And the shark stood attention the while,
Then raised on his flipper
And ate up the skipper
And went on his way with a smile.

And this shows that the prince of the ocean,
To ladies forbearing and mild,
Thought his record be dark,
Is the man-eating shark
Who will eat neither woman nor child.

=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:43:11 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      What is politics?

Son:     "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask
          you a question?"
Father:  "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son:     "What is Politics?"
Father:  "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage
         earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the
         administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We
         take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll
         call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call
         The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son:     "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what
was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper,
the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw
his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally
unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room
and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son:     "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father:  "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son:     " Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
         Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely
         ignored and the Future is full of shit."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 08:40:49 EST
From:         Tom Rusk Vickery <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Murphy's laws of sex

I would add to Murphy's laws of sex, these from Robert
Heinlein's THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

In an argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once!

Always tell her she is beautiful, expecially if she is not.

[This one is my favorite]:  It is better to copulate than never.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 09:54:23 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

Coal Miners Dig Their Work
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 08:56:23 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      St. Kirk (Was: Junk Mail)

What did St. John say to his brother St. James when he came back from
the empty tomb on Jesus resurrection day?
        "He's alive, Jim."

St. James: Peter, how did you raise that kid Tabitha from the dead?!!!
St. Peter: Dammit, Jim, I'm an apostle, not a doctor!

Any more St. James jokes?
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:06:37 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      What about "x does it y"

Anyone got a *good* or new list of stuff like:
Teachers do it with class
Shrinks do it with your brain,
Amiga owners do it with Intuition (Intuition is the amiga DOS or something)
Golfers do it with drive, etc.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:36:00 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Examination of Offensive

Somebody recently posted a request to stop the silly and offensive jokes. I
can almost guarantee you that no matter what is posted, someone out there will
consider it silly or offensive.

For example, if you are a moron, you may find the following offensive:

One day this moron passed a guy jumping up and down on a man-hole cover. The
moron noticed that the guy was saying "21...21...21...21...". The moron
stopped
and watched and after awhile, said, "Duh, het buddy, whatcha doin?"
"21...21...21...Getting my daily exercise...21...21...21..." "Duh, ohhh. Can I
try?" "21...21...21...Sure." The guy stopped jumping and stepped off the
man-hole cover. The moron then got on and started.
"Duh...21...duh...21...duh...21...duh..." "You gotta jump higher."
"Duh.....21.....duh.....21.....duh....." "Even higher than that."
"Duh.......21.......duh.......21.......duh......." "Higher still." The moron
then jumped as high as he could and while he was on his way up, the guy lifted
the man-hole cover off. Needless to say, when gravity took its toll, the moron
went plumeting into the man-hole. The guy then replaced the cover, stood on
top, and started jumping again. "22...22...22...".

You see, if you are a moron, and you actually get this joke, you would be
offended.

Of course, if you are Irish, and I am part Irish, this one would offend you:

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

Like I said, someone will be offended by any joke. Bathroom humor is quite
likely to offend. If you are offended by the things on men's room walls,
please don't read the following:

Things I have seen on men's room walls:

Look up here and pee on your shoes.
What are you looking up here for? The joke is in your hand.
Those are the only ones I can remember at the moment. I would be interested in
hearing from others; particuarly the ladies.
Well folks, if I have offended you, I appologize. There is always the delete
function.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:02:00 +0100
From:         WIM VERVEEN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another explicit one/Adam and Eve Joke

You know why tampons have a rope tied to it?
So you can floss your teeth after going down on a woman

Why did God steal a rib from Adam to create Eve?
To show that stealing leads to nothing.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:35:56 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: What about "x does it y"
Derryck, to add to your list -
* Divers do it deep
* Fishermen do it with their rods
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:02:25 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gruesome puns

Hi,gang! I just got on the list and enjoy the more wierd forms of humor,
especially puns that make your teeth curdle. Perhaps we could get a
pun contest going.  Anyway, here's a deep philosophical question to
ponder: Is embalming a dead issue?
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:00:25 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sexist?)

A cowboy got married. He helped the bride on horseback, jumped into the saddle
and led his wife to his home. His horse stumbled over a branch. The cowboy
frowned and said: "One."
They went on. After a while the horse stumbled over a root. The cowboy frowned
a bit more and said: "Two."
Finally they arrived at his ranch. In the gate the horse stumbled again. The
cowboy frowned still more and said:"Three!" Then he helped his wife from the
horseback gallantly, took the gun and shot the horse dead.
The wife exclaimed: "How can you kill such a nice animal just because he
stumbled a bit. You have no heart. If I knew I would never marry you!"
The cowboy frowned to the maximum extent and said: "One."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:20:29 GMT0BST
From:         Lee Rhodes <[e-mail]>
Organization: RTC Carlow, Ireland
Subject:      Toilet humour

Things I have seen on men's room walls:

We aim to please.
Will you aim too, please!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:23:59 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Soviets/Insults/Do It/Puns

With all of the recent postings regarding Soviet-type humor,
I was reminded of the following joke I saw, I believe, in a Jack
Anderson column (could be wrong about that).  It was set during
the time of Gorbachev's crackdown on alcoholism.

An apparatchik summoned his beautiful secretary into his office
one afternoon.  She arrived with steno pad and pencil in hand.
After a few minutes of dictation, he told her to take off her
clothes.  When she had partially undressed, she began to feel a
bit self-conscious, so she went over to the door and closed it.
The boss, seeing this, became very angry, jumped up and opened
the door.  He said, "What are you doing?  Do you want them to
think we're drinking vodka in here?"

-------------
Heard this on CBS radio's Osgood File this morning.  Was just
waking up, so this may not be completely accurate.

A Dr. Greggerson (spelling?) from Queens College is a collector
of insults from various languages.  He has studied everything
from Albanian to Zulu.  Of course, the translation of insults
into other languages just doesn't sound as effective.  He
mentioned that the Japanese have several containing references to
vegetables, similar to calling someone a pumpkinhead.  In
Ashanti, "begetter of twins" is an insult.  Many cultures around
the world consider it bad luck to have twins.  Osgood asked if
there was an insult for radio announcers, and Greggerson
responded with an example from Sanskrit which means something
like "your grammar is incorrect."

All of this reminded me of the ridiculous insults shouted by John
Cleese in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  "You silly English
pigdog" (Schweinhund, I'm sure), "Tiny-brained wiper of other
persons' bottoms", and "I'll fry owls eggs on the tops of your
heads and make castinets out of your testicles".

------------
Some "do it" lines:

My personal favorite:  Linguists do it in different tongues!  :-P

Librarians/accountants do it by the book.

Economists do it for profit.

Upright bass players do it without fretting.

-----------
Puns:

Someone recently posted "Is embalming a dead issue?".  No, but it
sure drains me just to think about it!
-----------

Time to make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here.  L8r.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:23:31 GMT0BST
From:         Lee Rhodes <[e-mail]>
Organization: RTC Carlow, Ireland
Subject:      Philosophy

Why did the man cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the same side.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:50:11 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      BAD!!!

A man called artie decided to become a hitman and offered his services at a
local bar known as a mafia hangout.  He didn't have long to wait before a
dishevelled, desperate looking man walked up to him and said, "Help me!
Kill my wife! I can't stand her nagging! I'll pay anything!" Artie considered
and said, "Well, since I'm trying to establish a reputation for myself, I'll
do it for a buck, on the condition that you spread the word that I'm a pro and
worth good money." The other man readily agreed and told Artie that his wife,
a woman of very regular habits, went to the A&P every day at noon.  So, Artie
went to the A&P and saw the woman the customer had described, standing in
the frozen foods aisle.  Deciding that stealth was his best bet, Artie made
sure the aisle was clear and sneaked up behind the woman and strangled her.
To his horror, Artie found he'd killed the wrong woman.  Hiding, he saw
another woamn who looked about right.  Measuring her up, he strangled her
before she could make a sound.  Turning the corpse over, Artie discovered
that,
although
although she closely resembled his target, this too was the wrong woman. His
target,after all,was very ordinary looking.  By some miracle, the coast was
still clear, so Artie decided to give it one more try. A woman walked up and
saw the two bodies piled on a shelf. Artie leaped out and throttled the life
out of her before she could do more than draw a breath.  Unfortunately for
Artie, the manager had seen this last killing and had called the cops, so
Artie was caught.  The next day, the headlines read, "Artie chokes three for a
d
ollar
dollar at A&P".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's make like shepherds and get the flock out of here.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 17:00:29 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: STOP SILLY JOKES

I strongly oppose censorship on jokes. I have lived in a country with strict
censorship for most of my life and I am glad that we got rid of it.
Who does not like some sort of humor need not to read messages that are
marked as sensitive in the subject.

The only thing we should obey is to indicate possible sensitivity in the
subject field.

A famous Czech writer Jaroslav Hasek (author of Brave soldier Shveyk - maybe
the usual English title is a bit different) once wrote that those who zelote
against dirty speaking usually read grafitti on men's room walls with a
great delight.

I think that dirty behaviour is much worse than dirty language. And I thing
that a censorship is dirty.

Obligatory humor - nonhumor (pure truth):
The leader of Czech ultras Sladek announced a demonstration in the heart
of Prague - Wenceslas square at the anniversary of the formation of former
Czechoslovakia (it is still official holiday in the Czech Republic). When
he got to know that the President (and also the Prime Minister - I'm not sure)
wants to put a bunch of flowers to the Saint Wenceslas' statue in the square
during the day Sladek declared that he would sue the President for
interfering with his demonstration. This is typical for the ultra party and
I see nothing humorous in it. But two things happened then that are not
without a "grain of salt":
1. The authorities declared the part of the square where the statue is
situated as a posession of nearby National Museum and not part of the
Wenceslas square.
2. The Mayor of Prague announced HIS meeting on the Wenceslas square on
the anniversary day in all the next 20 years (by 20 different letters).
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 12:05:43 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dog Joke

This was in the biography of the Doors' Jim Morrison, so stop me if you have
heard it before.

There was an investment banker that decieded to leave the city and become a
country gentleman. But he annoyed all his new neighbors with his complete
ignorance of country ways. He thought if he socialized with the country folk
he would become accepted. He noticed that they went duck hunting alot and so
made up his mind to take up duck hunting. He asked his closest neighbor what
he
needed to go duck hunting.

The guy told him what kind of gun he needed, what kind of clothes he needed,
and that he needed a bird dog. "Now be careful" he told the city slicker,
"some kennelmasters will try to sell you a dog with too large an asshole. If
the
dog's asshole is too large, when he goes into the lake to ge the duck the
water will rush in, he'll sink and drown." The city slicker thanks him and
leaves.

He gets the clothes and gun and then goes to the local kennel. He tells the
kennelmaster he wants a bird dog. The kennelmaster takes him out to see a dog
and tells him that the dog is good for any kind of bird hunting. The city
slicker picks up the dog's tail and tells the kennelmaster that the dog will
not

do because he has too large an asshole. "And when he goes into the lake the
water will rush in and he'll drown" says the city slicker. The kennelmaster
thinks a moment. Then reaches down, grabs the dog's balls and gives them a
mighty twist. Of course the dog's asshole cinches up tight. "Sorry" says the
kennelmaster, "I had him set for quail."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:16:06 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      yet another horrible pun

Five hundred years ago, two arab countries were at war.  The king of one
country called for his finest spy and told him to steal the enemy's battle
plans.  That night, the spy sneaked into the enemy camp and eventually
found out where the plans were. He stole them but, on his way out, he saw the
guard had been increased. Needing a distraction, the spy set fire to the
camp's prayer tent, or zigurrat, and stole out of camp.  He hadn't gone
more than a few paces when a squad of heavily armed guards captured him
and dragged him before the enemy leader.  The spy was more appalled at having
The leader smiled and said,"we could smell the smoke from your cloak."
The spy was horrified. "You mean...?"
The leader nodded."Smoking zigurrats is dangerous to your stealth."

---And with that stinker gone, I beat a hasty retreat.
---Rick
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 12:48:24 CST
From:         Weasel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist (crude) Q&A

Q. Why don't women fart as much as men?                /\ /\
A. They don't keep their mouths closed long enough to   . .
   build up any back-pressure.                          /"\
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 14:45:16 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      x,y and G rated
Hairdressers do it with style.

Photographers do it in the dark.

Cute joke:

An Easterner who walked into a  Western saloon was amazed to see a dog
sitting at a table playing poker with three men.  "Can that dog really
read cards?" he asked.

"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men.  "Whenever he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 13:49:34 CDT
From:         Greg J Warner <[e-mail]>
Subject:      gross

  Did you hear about the guy that went in for a check-up?  The doctor said,
 "I'll need a blood sample, stool sample, urin sample, & a semen sample.

  "No Problem"  the guy says  "take my underware"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:54:16 PDT
From:         Wayne Torman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean !! (perhaps REMOTELY sacrilegious)

So there's this remote island in the South Pacific, inhabited by a
peaceful tribe known as the Trids.  They live on the beaches of the
island, but can only get their food up on the mountain  where it grows.
 The problem is that there is a giant on the mountain, and whenever
they go there to get food, he comes out of his cave and kicks them off
the cliff.  This goes on for quite a while, and the Trids grow more and
more desperate.  Finally they seek outside help.  After checking with a
few sources, they learn of a Rabbi who specializes in difficult
problems of this type.  They call for the Rabbi to come out to the
island, and finally he arrives.

After they explain the situation to him he announces that he is going
up the mountain to confront the giant.  Naturally, a few Trids go with
him to guide him to the giant's cave.  When they arrive, the giant
comes out and, of course, goes after all the Trids and starts kicking
them off the cliff.  The Rabbi says to the giant, "Stop what you are doing".

The giant doesn't even bother to reply, just finishes kicking the rest
of the Trids off the cliff.  The Rabbi says, "Well, what about me?",
but the giant ignores him and starts walking back toward his cave.  The
Rabbi says "Hey GIANT, What about me?" and starts jumping up and down.
After being ignored again, the Rabbi finally yells at the giant "COME
ON YOU SISSY, COME AND GET ME... COME ON.... ARE YOU AFRAID TO KICK A
SERVANT OF GOD OFF THE CLIFF?.....  COME ON, COME AND GET ME!!!!!"

The giant turns back to him, ever so slowly, and says, in his loud,
booming voice, "Silly Rabbi..... kicks are for Trids!"
_____________________

I'm gonna make like a horse turd and hit the trail.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:06:00 EST
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      x does it y...

Here's some more for the collection.  (A few of them are, as far as I know,
original with me -- at least I made them up independently just now.)

Muzzleloaders have lead balls
Hunters do it in the woods
Coon hunters do it all night
Programmers do it with their fingers
GUI users do it with mice
Fishermen do it in boats
Statisticians probably do it (p<.05)
Secretaries do it at their desk
Farmers do it with vegetables (or cows (moo!), sheep (baa-a-a-a-a), etc...
  take your pick)
Knitters do it with needles
Veterinarians do it with animals (did I spell "vet" right?)
Mechanics get greasy doing it

Doing this reminded me of a cartoon I saw once:  the scene is a marriage
counselor's office.  The wife is standing with her back to the counselor and
her husband.  The counselor lifts up the back of her dress and says to the
husband "Now surely you're not going to tell me you can pass up a fine piece
of ass like this!"    (And of course the husband replies "Don't call me
Shirley!" :-)  )

David
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 14:15:49 CDT
From:         Lesley Hite <[e-mail]>
Subject:      silly jokes

As for these "silly jokes" who knows why we find what we find funny?  As long
as we can laugh at something I guess it's okay.  (unless you make someone cry,
I suppose)

Anyway, as a psychology student I can say who the hell really understands what
makes us tick anyway?!

I think Jack Handey said it best:

To truly understand mankind (don't take this as sexist, I'm just quoting here)
we must first look at the word itself. MANKIND  Basically it's made up of two
words:  MANK and IND  What do these words mean? It's a mystery. And that's why
so is mankind.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:09:07 -0400
From:         Wayde Nie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Polish Gay Guy.

Hear about the Polish gay guy.....
He sleeps with women!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:22:52 CST
From:         Bill Rauscher <[e-mail]>
Organization: Claims By Computer, Inc.
Subject:      Men's bathroom walls

I noticed a posting of what was on bathroom walls.  I read this in 1971
and laughed then and still have remembered it.

This was during the 1972 Presidental Campaign:

Don't switch Dicks in the middle of a screw, vote for Nixon in '72.

And:

No matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always goes
in your pants.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:25:58 CST
From:         Bill Rauscher <[e-mail]>
Organization: Claims By Computer, Inc.
Subject:      A goose, a duck and a lawyer (slightly offensive)

What can a goose do that a duck can't and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 21:33:17 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Poems about Love & marriage

When I was young and full of life
I loved the local doctor's wife,
And ate an apple every day
To keept the doctor far away.
                                                    Thomas Lamont

"Come, come," said Tom's father, "At your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake -
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is, father - whose wife shall I take?"
                                                     Thomas Moore

Found in Brandreth, Gyles (1987), The Joy of Lex, London: Robson Books, pp
198-199
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 18:28:00 EST
From:         "Sam Roberts, Californian Refugee" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      On using the "lowest bidder" (PG-13) (Medical humor)

Note:  This joke is not very funny in a written context (as the punch line is
a sight gag), but has always gotten a good response when I've told it to my
friends.  So, pay attention and pass it along...

     A middle-aged working man was crossing the street one evening, on his way
home from work, when he is suddenly run down by a reckless driver, who doesn't
even bother to stop.  The man, having been thrown several feet by the impact,
picks himself up, starts to pat himself all over (to check for injuries), and
comes to the sudden realization that his right arm has been severed at the
elbow.  Frantically searching for his missing arm, the man spies it lying in
the gutter.
     Now, as luck would have it, this accident occurred right outside the
office of the most famouse surgeon in the world, and the man, seeing the sign
over the entrance, picks up his severed arm and rushes inside, where he is
ushered directly to an examination room.  The doctor enters and begins to look
him over.
     "Well, this is a pretty bad injury, but I think that several hours of
surgery should see you all fixed up." the doctor tells him.
     "That's excellent," says the man, giving a great sigh of relief.
     "Yes," says the doctor, "we can get started just as soon as you fill out
the insurance forms my nurse has for you."
     "B..b..but I don't HAVE any insurance!" the man exclaims.
     "Well, I can't be expected to work for free," replies the doc.  "If you
can pay by cash, that'd be just as good, but without payment, the only thing I
can do is sew up your wounds and dispose of your arm."
     "How much will the surgery cost?" asks the man.
     "Twenty thousand dollars."
     The man, though a hard worker all his life, has nothing near to twenty
thousand dollars in savings.  Dejected, but hoping to find someone else who
can save his arm, he leaves the doctor's office and looks up and down the
street. A couple of blocks away, in a small back alley, he finds a small
doctor's office of questionable quality.  He enters, where a somewhat old and
somewhat unwashed doctor approaches him, and after a brief conversation, tells
the man he can perform the surgery for only one thousand dollars.  The man,
excited over the bargain, forgets his worries over the surgeon's ability and
has the operation. Two weeks later he is amazed to find that the feeling is
beginning to return to his arm.  Soon after, he returns to the doctor to have
the stiches removed. As he is leaving the alley office, he sees the famous
surgeon's office, and decides to stop by and tell that doctor just what he
should do with his expensive fees! The receptionist shows him into an exam
room, and the doctor enters.
     "Do you remember me?" asks the man.
     "Aren't you the guy who had his arm cut off outside my office?" replies
the doctor.
     "Yes, I am.  I found another doctor who would perform the surgery for
only ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.  You were going to charge me TWENTY thousand!  You
were going to rip me off!  So, I say FU...*(gasp)*!!

(As the man starts to say the "F" word to the doctor, place your left hand
into the crook of your right elbow rather violently, at the same time raising
your right arm as if to give the doctor "the finger".  Now, let out a gasp and
look over your right shoulder as if your right forearm just flew off into the
air!!)

** To those of you who still don't get it, the man tries to give the doctor
the finger, but his arm flies off instead, due to the poor quality of the
back-alley doctor **
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 02:49:05 SAT
From:         TomCat <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Who is the boss!!

Hi All
When Lord made man. The body parts get togather and argued "who will be
the boss of the body". The stomech countered since i degisted the food i must
be the boss. The brain say since i am controlling the body parts i must be the
boss. The eyes explained since i can see the enviormont i must be the boss.
The legs countered since i take the body to whereever he needs i must be the
boss. Then the asshole applied and say since i let the body feel good by
taking out everything not needed i must be the boss.

The body parts laughed and laughed from the asshole. The asshole get crazy and
made then the asshole get shut up.

Three day lefts and the body parts get sick since the asshole didn't get
anything out. The brain got foggy, the legs wablle, the eyes get crossed,
stomech get sick. Then the body parts get togather and agreed to make the
asshole boss! :)

THIS IS  APPROVE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BRAIN TO BE A BOSS JUST AN ASSHOLE!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:34:17 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: What about "x does it y"
Haircutters do it with style.

Photographers do it in the dark.

More Humor:

An easterner who walked into a Western saloon was amazed to see a dog
sitting at a table playing poker with three men.  "Can that dog really
read cards?" he asked.

"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men, "Whenever he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 13:52:18 GMT+10
From:         Alex Williams <[e-mail]>
Subject:      M15+

There was a guy stuck in the desert he'd been there for months and
months maybe a year.  Well he hasn't had sex for ages and is really
desperate then all of a sudden he sees a camel, he is so desperate
that he would even have sex with a camel.  Well he walks up behind
the camel and puts down his back pack and is just about to lob it in
when the camel moved.   He then again walks over to the camel and
trys again.  The camel moves again.  This goes on for about an hour
or to when he comes across an oasis and he sees the most beautiful
woman he has ever seen and she is tied naked to a tree.  The woman
says that she was captured by some Arabs and left there to die she
then says that if he unties her she will do anything for him.  The
man thinks "Wow!" "This is my big chance" So he unties her and she
says "Thank you how can I repay you?"  The man replies "Could you
hold this damn camel still?"

From [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:19:27 GMT+10
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "The Laughing Letter. Ha Ha Ha."
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      R rated sort of.

There was an inventor who crossed a cucumber and a mexican jumping
bean.
The result: The first organic vibrator.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:40:50 GMT+10
From:         LIFE IS FUNNY AIN'T IT-- <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sick joke....Well for some maybe

I came across this joke whilst listing to our local radio station!
Here is the joke as follows.....

There was a bear that had been walking for a very long time and
decided to call in to the local bar, Well he goes into the bar, sits
himself down and says to the bar tender "I would like a beer thanks"
The bartender replies "Sorry mate we do not sell beer to bears in Big
Bill Burger Bar"
Now at this point the bear is getting angery so he thumps the bar and
repeats "I would like a beer"
Once again the Barman replies " Sorry mate we do not sell beer to
bears that bang on the bar at Big Bills Burger Bar!"
Now by this time the bear is getting pretty angery and starts to bash
to costomers that was sitting next to him!
And the bear says again " I would like a beer please"
and once again the barman replies "sorry we do not sell beer to bears
that bash the bar and bistanders!"
Now by this time the bear was anger than hell so the bear picks up
some empty bottles and starts to throw them at the barman.
The bear repeats "I would like a beer please"
The barman replies "sorry we do not sell beer to bears that bash the
bar and the bistanders and also thow bottles around the bar at Big
Bills Burger Bar"
Well that did it for the Bear, so the bear gets up off of the seat
opens his mouth and takes a chunk out of the bar!
"Now give me my blasted beer!"
The Barman replies with "Sorry we do not give beer to bears that bash
the bar and bistanders and also throw bottles around the bar and that
are also on drugs!"
The bear replies with "what do you mean DRUGS??? I admit to Bashing
the bar and the bistanders and throwing the bottles, but what is this
about me being on drugs!"
and the barman replies with "well what about the Bar-Bit-You-ate!!

If you are not sure if you get that joke read it again and say Bar-
Bit-You-Ate fast and then see if you get it or not!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:01:58 BST
From:         Paul Heraty - CAD <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A does it with B

Hackers do it with all sorts of characters...
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 10:39:45 +0100
From:         Oesterlich Tapfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rabbi playing golf
              14 Oct 1993 14:15:49 CDT

The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He likes nothing like
playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he
has to refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul : the temp-
tation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if he tries
to do it on shabbat.

On a summer saturday afternoon, his soul is in dire straits : he was
never so tempted of playing golf. The sky is blue, the grass is green,
his clubs look at him with sardonic eyes (metaphor :-)) ... Finally,
with great self-reproach and bad consciousness, he yields to
temptation.  He puts a fake beard on, sun glasses, and goes to the
tee.

As he does this, the Lord is in the sky, looking at him very angrily.
The first Angel is at the Lord's side, protesting : "Lord, look at
this great Rabbi who goes playing golf on shabbat ! This is shameful !
This is a disgrace ! This is a scandal ! You MUST do something !".
God, in cold rage, answers : "Oh, don't worry, you bet I will do
something."  And on they look on earth ...

After a while, the Rabbi is about to shoot the first ball. He raises
his club, and .... five hundred meters away, sends DIRECTLY THE BALL
INTO THE HOLE !

The first Angel, astonished, looks at God : "What ... what are you
doing ? This is the great Rabbi, playing golf on shabbat, which is a
terrible sin, and you let him make the best shoot he ever did ... ?!?"
To which the Lord answers : "Yes ... and to whom will he be telling
it, eh ?"

Oesterlich
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 08:43:00 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Misc Stuff

I always give credit where it is due and the credit for the below must go to a
local "WIZZO" named Bob Preville. What's a "WIZZO" you ask? Literally, it is
an Airforce term for Weapons System Officer (WSO), but, since I spent a few
years working on a contract that involved the Airforce, "WIZZO" has come to
mean anyone in a technical computer job in my vernacular. Bob Preville is one
of our networking types. Well, on to Bob's humor.

There was a young girl from Anheiser
Who said that nought could surprise her
Till Old Overholt
Gave her a jolt
And now she is sadder, budweiser

There once were these to caliphs. One was named Abdul and the other Hornia.
Well, Hornia was heir to the thrown but Abdul was stronger and had a larger
following. When their father passed away and Abdul was to mount the thrown,
Hornia mounted a coup, took the thrown by force, and sent Abdul into exile.
After many years, Abdul was able to raise an army stronger than his brother's
and began marching back on his country to take his rightful place on the
thrown. As Abdul marched with his army, he sang "Caliph Hornia, here I
come...". (California here I come...).

Remember, these are Bob Preville's. Don't balme me.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:47:24 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to I don't know who

Q)      Why do dogs lick their balls?
A)      Because they can!!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:17:12 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Offensive to I don't know who

Q) Why do dogs lick their balls?
A) because they can't make a fist with their paws.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:33:48 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

Annapolis MD -- A former teacher who had sex with students in school and
spoke about it on national TV was sentenced to 26 years in prison yesterday
after being scolded by a judge for robbing his victims' childhood.  Three
girls testified about having sex with the teacher in classrooms, offices,
dressing rooms, the football stadium press box and a catwalk above the school
auditorium. "You had sex all over a public institution. It's almost
unbelievable," said Judge Eugene Lerner.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:40:00 EST
From:         HARSH <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A politically correct story

                          by Jim Garner
              copied by Andy Tiarks  April 24, 1993
       originally appeared in "Comic Relief"  April, 1993

          There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who
lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her
mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water
to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work,
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a
feeling of community.  Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick,
but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
          So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food
through the woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest
was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red
Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality
that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
          On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was
accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.  She
replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."
          The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a
little girl to walk through these woods alone."
          Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which
has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview.  Now,
if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way."
          Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But,
because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.  He burst into the house and ate
Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as
himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what
was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and
crawled into bed.
          Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma,
I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you
in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
          From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child,
so that I might see you."
          Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
          "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
          "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of
course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
          "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
          "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
          The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am,"
and leaped out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws,
intent on devouring her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but
because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
          Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person
(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
          "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding
Hood.
          The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but
no words came to him.
          "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist!
Speciesist!  How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve
their own problems without a man's help!"
          When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped
out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut
his head off.  After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the
Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up
an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation,
and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:43:54 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mildly ethnic+language, not offensive unless you look for it

In Ireland, a queer is someone who doesn't like Guinness.

Abe was given two nice ties for a Passover present by his mother.
First opportunity, he goes round to see her, wearing one of them.
"Mazeltov Momma - hey look, I'm wearing one of your ties; it's beautiful;
 gimme a big kiss".

"Mazeltov, smazeltov; so you didn't like the other one?"

There is a tribe in Africa called the Fakhawi tribe.
They are small, like pygmies, but live in grassland, not jungle.
Really long grass actually. They are always getting lost, and having to
jump on each others shoulders crying: "Where the Fakhawi?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:39:32 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mildly ethnic

                A lovely young maid of Kilglass,
                Wore intimate garments of brass.
                Pat, one night on the porch,
                With acetylene torch,
                Just melted resistance, alas!

                Ancient Jewish Proverb:

                Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
                Acid stains you, drugs cause cramp,
                Guns aren't lawful, nooses give,
                Gas smells awful, you might as well live.

=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:40:57 CDT
From:         Rachel Dvoretzky <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Latex

Q.  What's the difference betewen a used tire and 365 used condoms?
A.  One is a Goodyear.  The other is a very good year.

Slides Wrangled ** Humidity Dispelled ** Beer Poured ** Satire Dispensed
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:47:06 CDT

From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension

One more for the collection - from a country western song by David
Allan Cole (I think).

Cowboys stay in the saddle just a little bit longer!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:07:15 EDT
From:         David_Douglas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      very dirty, and messy too.

       Knock knock!
               Who's There
                        Arch!
                             Arch Who??
                                     Gesundheit!!

OK OK They are inane, but I think this is original, as inane as it
is. I have hay fever.

On an English train a man was sitting across from a lady in a
compartment minding his own business.

He then sneezed. Quickly he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket,
opened his fly and wiped off his member.

The woman was shocked, but thought she was hallucinating, and went
back to her book.

He did it again. Sneezed, only this time pulled his member right out
and wiped it off.

It was no hallucination and the lady grumbled her disapproval.

When a third time he sneezed she was ready. When he pulled out his
penis to wipe it off she let him have it.

"You God Damned degenerate what do you mean doing that in public" she
blustered indignantly.

Sheepishly he apologized and stated he suffered from a rare
condition: that every time he sneezed he had an orgasm, and that if
he didn't clean up the mess immediately he would soon be a real mess
from his waste down.

"My goodness" she exclaimed sympathetically, " What are you taking
for this awful disorder?"

"Pepper" he answered.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:06:56 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limericks (offensive - R)

                There once was a lady named Dinah
                Who had an enormous vagina
                One little shove in her tunnel of love
                And you'd come out at Queen's and Spadina!

                (note: Queen's and Spadina are streets in Toronto)

                There once was a man from St. Clare
                Who had an affair with a bear
                The surly old brute, with one snap of his snoot
                Left him only one ball and some hair!

              ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
             +    Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.      +
             +                         - Sigmund Freud    +
              ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 10:59:15 -0500
From:         JANET AMES <[e-mail]>
Organization: Plymouth State College, Plymouth NH
Subject:      Things I've seen posted on restroom walls

Here I sit cheeks a-flexin
about to give birth to another Texan
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 15:07:20 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Politically un-correct Little Red Riding Hood (Caution:
Language)

Little Red Riding Hood goes as normal through the woods to see
her grandma.  On the way she see some bushes move, and she
leaves the track.  She parts the foliage and comes face to face
with the wolf, who is squatting motionless.  Little Red Riding
Hood begins "My, my, what Great Big Bulging eyes you have.."
The wolf yells "FUCK OFF I'M HAVING A SHIT".
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:21:37 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      In the midst of beauty <Mulla>

IN THE MIDST OF SUCH BEAUTY

     It was a wonderful morning, and the Mulla was walking home.
Why he thought to himself, should he not take a short cut through
the beautiful wild-land beside the dusty road?

     "A day of days, a day for fortunate pursuits!" he exclaimed to
himself plunging into the greenery.

     Almost at once, he found himself lying at the bottom of a
concealed pit.

     "It is just as well I took this short cut," he reflected, as
he lay there, "because if things like this can happen in the midst
of such beauty, what catastrophe might not have developed on that
uncompromisingly tiresome highway?"

Personal note: I hate to contribute to the decidedly unhumorous chatter
that has developed on this list this week, but I thought this was a
humor list. I also thought we were suppose to limit ourselves to one
post per day. My digest contained 37 entries for yesterday (over a
thousand lines). That's too much for nearly anybody. I wish more
people would state their subject or topic in the subject line. Nearly
everybody does a good job warning us about offensive content, especially
me with my warnings about the poems and the great Mulla Nasrudin. :-)
Peace, Joe Mole
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:33:57 -0400
From:         Thomas Rowe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "do it"

Bridge players do it with finesse
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 17:04:35 BST
From:         Paul Heraty - CAD <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Do it with...

Hi all, more of the same :

Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Politicians do it to everyone.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).

        and now for something completly different :

The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
Draft beer, not people
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
now.

Oh, enough for now,

-------------------------------------------------------
STRESS : A psychologically damaging condition resulting
         from the conscious supression of the biological
         need to choke the living shit out of some
         asshole who really needs it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 18:00:59 +0200
From:         "Ajay K. Vachhani" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick, sexist, mildly offensive

There was a young man named Pete
Who was gentle, and shy, and discreet ;
But with his first woman
He became inhuman
And constantly roared for fresh meat.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 11:58:15 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Vile, disgusting, I'm ashamed of myself

I would be flattering to think that the last joke referrring to the
un-selfconsciousness of canines, may have been provoked by my own
posting on that subject last week.  Anyway, this last one certainly
provoked this one.

Two friends are walking down the street, one with a large dog on a
leash. In mid-pavement, the dog sits down and busily begins cleaning
(in the usual doggy way) his private parts (which are pretty public on
a dog).

The guy without the dog, observes a few minutes, and says, "Boy. I
wish I could do that."

The dog's owner replies, "Oh, he's very friendly.  Just let him smell
you first."

(Ba-dum-bum!)

Theresa
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 17:42:05 +0100
From:         Oesterlich Tapfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to ... non-smokers ?

Another silly one on the theme of "attentats a la pudeur" :

A young woman is seated in a plane next to a businessman. Shortly
after the take off, the businessman quietly unzips his pants and
begins to masturbate. The young woman pretends not to see. See-
mingly far less self-conscious than her, the businessman merrily
wanks, and comes with a little grunt of pleasure. Then - still ve-
ry calmly -, he gets a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes
his penis. After what he quietly zips his trousers, arranges his
tie and jacket so that they look perfect, and sighs with delight
as he gets a cigar out of his attache. Courteously turning to his
neighbour, he smiles and asks : "Do you mind if I smoke ?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:48:00 EDT
From:         Harry Weis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      speaking of dogs...a pet story (harsh language!!)

A guy who lives in my neighborhood owns a german shepard that he lets run free
at night.  One night his dog comes back with a gift for his master - a rabbit
in his mouth.  The rabbit was obvisously dead but it wasn't just any old
rabbit, it was HIS neighbors pet rabbit named Bun Bun.  Well, he didn't want
to get blamed for his dog killing their rabbit so he uses the cover of
darkness to sneak into their yard and put Bun Bun bach in her cage - in the
hopes that they'll think Bun Bun died of natural causes.  A month goes by and
nothing happens so he thinks he got away with his trick.  He then attends a
block party where he overhears Bun Bun's owner talking to another lady where
she states "There are some sick bastards in this world.  Our rabbit died and
somebody dug it up after we buried it and put it back in her cage."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:30:14 CDT
From:         Lesley Hite <[e-mail]>
Subject:      it's a psyc joke

 In response to the request for x does it y lines:

A couple of years ago I took a seminar in Behaviorism.  The main focus of the
course was B.F. Skinner.  One of the students asked our professor to sum up
Skinner in a sentence, i.e. what would Skinner's bumper sticker say.
The best that I could come up with was:
Behaviorists do it for reinforcement.

The camel joke reminded me of one I heard earlier this year.

There was this really horny ant in the jungle.  One day he saw an elephant
just standing there and looking kinda sexy.  So the ant climbed up the
elephant's leg and began to do her.  All of a sudden a coconut fell and
landed on the elephant's head.  "Ouch!" she yelled.  The ant kept going
strong.
Another coconut fell.  "Ouch!" she yelled louder.  At which point the ant
shouted back, "Take it ALL, bitch!"

Hope these were somewhat amusing.  C ya.

                              -Les
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 14:20:32 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      another version of Theresa's dog joke

The Colonel had been stationed to the most god forsaken post in the entire
French foreign Legion.  He was trying to make the most of it and was
conducting
a series of inspections.  In one of the stables he say the most disreputable
looking camel he'd ever seen.
  "Get rid of that disgraceful animal," He told his Sargent.
  "But sir," the sargent protested, "The men are stationed here without women
for months at a time.  Without that camel, they'd go mad."
  Being an old army hand, the Colonel realized he'd touched a thorny subject
and let the matter pass.  Months pass by.  The colonel is beginning to see
the place get to him.  finally, he decides his time has come.  He asks the
sargent to prepare the camel for him.  He goes to the stable and has sex
with the camel.  Looking at the sargent, he asks, "Is that how the men
usually do it?"
  "No, sir," came the reply, "Usually they just saddle it up and ride into
town."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 10:57:44 +0000
From:         Tony Fantillo <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A dog by any other name

What not to name your dog

Everyone who owns a dog calls him Rover or Boy or some such common name. I
call mine Sex.  Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.  When I went to
renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex.  He
said, " I'd like one too."  Then I said, "But this is a dog."  He said he
didn't care what she looked like.  Then I said, "But you don't understand,
I've had Sex since he was nine years old."  He said I must have been quite
a boy.

When I married and went on my honymoon, I took the dog with me.  I told the
clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.  He
said every room in the place is for Sex.  I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said, "Me too."

One da I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition started, the
dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there
looking around.  I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest.  He
said I should have sold my own tickets.  "But, you don't understand," I
said.  "I had hoped to have Sex on television."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog.  I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married."  The judge
said, "Me too."  Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me.  He
said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran away again.  I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four
o'clock in the morning?"  I said that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

Hope you all got a hearty chuckle...Tony
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 12:01:05 PDT
From:         Josh Choen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Politically un-correct Little Red Riding Hood (Caution:
              Language)
              15, 93 3:07 pm

> Little Red Riding Hood goes as normal through the woods to see
> her grandma.  On the way she see some bushes move, and she
> leaves the track.  She parts the foliage and comes face to face
> with the wolf, who is squatting motionless.  Little Red Riding
> Hood begins "My, my, what Great Big Bulging eyes you have.."
> The wolf yells "FUCK OFF I'M HAVING A SHIT".

or... the wolf stops Little Red Riding Hood in the woods and says, "I'm
going to steal all your goodies, little girl!"  To which, Little Red Riding
Hood throws the basket on the ground, lies down on the forest floor and
replys, "No your not!  Your going to eat me like it says in the book!!!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 15:20:57 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: silly jokes
aw, hell, now you've got me started on Deep Thoughts...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.  No, wait... not me, you.

If you're in a time machine, and are eating corn on the cob, I don't
think it would affect things much.  But my point is this: Corn on
the cob is good, isn't it?

One reason I believe in UFO's is, sometimes I lose stuff.

--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 16:05:54 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gay nun joke <crude>

I copied this joke from the tasteless newsgroup. Writing this joke
took some imagination.

This guy is trying to pick up a nun on a bus. She freaks out and
jumps off the bus at the next stop. At this point the bus driver
turns to the guy and says" That was a fucking low thing to do,
mate. Have you no respect for holy orders?"

The guy says "Yeah but I've always wanted to fuck a nun. It's
always been my biggest fantasy to have sex with a nun."

The bus driver gives the guy a sly look and says "Well have I got
something to tell you. That very nun that you tried to grope, on
the last Friday of every month, goes up to the big tree on the hill
overlooking town and begs for Jesus Christ to come to Earth to make
love to her. All you have to do is wait in the trees disguised with
a mask and tell her that you are Jesus Christ and you'll get to
fuck her, no problem."

Our guy is in rapture just thinking about it and thanks the bus
driver heartily.

On the last Friday of the month, this guy is up in the tree on top
of the hill, wearing his robes and a mask. Sure enough, here comes
this nun and she lies down beneath the tree and prays for her Lord
Jesus Christ to come to Earth and make love to her. The guy hears
his cue and leaps down and proclaims himself to be Jesus.

"Oh, my Lord" says the nun, "you have arrived during my time of the
month. Will you use the less travelled route?" (For all you
fuckwits who don't know what's going on she just asked Jesus to
fuck her up the arse)

"Not a problem at all" says the guy and proceeds to do a fine
impersonation of two Greek friends who haven't seen each other in
a long time.

Just after this guy finishes the dirty deed, he leaps in the air
and pulls off his mask and yells "Ha, it's me, the guy on the
bus!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her headpiece and yells " Ha,
it's me ... the bus driver!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 15:32:13 CDT
From:         Serita Blankenship <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      A Day Off (clean)

So you want a day off?  Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.  There are 52 weeks
per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261
days available for work.  Since you spend 16 hours each day away from
work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 available.  You
spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks that account for 23 days
each year, leaving only 68 days available.  With one hour lunch
period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22
days available for work.  You normally spend 2 days per year on sick
leave.  This leaves you only 20 days available for work.  We are off
for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15
days.  We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves
only 1 day available for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to
take that day off!!!

Serita Blankenship
Extension Professional Development
Kansas State University
101 Umberger Hall
Manhattan, KS.  66506-3411
[e-mail]

*Be kind - eat beans, not beings!*
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 19:01:03 -0500

From:         Bulletin Mail Account <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Things I've seen posted on restroom walls

Date sent:  15-OCT-1993 18:56:30

       I saw this sign on a restroom wall in Bitburg, Germany.

        ====================================================
        =    Please don't throw toothpicks in the toilet   =
        =                                                  =
        =       The crabs have learned to pole-vault       =
        ====================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 20:55:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      daisy the camel  (sexual content)

a new lieutenant was just assigned to a remote desert outpost of the foreign
legion.  after a few months, he was feeling the loss of female companionship
and asked his ranking sergeant what the men did about the situation.

the sergeant replied that the men used daisy, the only female camel in the
stable.
completely revulsed by the thought of having intercourse with a camel, the
lieutenant continued to take matters into his own hands, as it were, until
one dark night he could stand it no longer!

making sure that none of the men saw him, he snuck to the stable in the
middle of the night.  there, he found a wooden crate which he took into
daisy's stall, planted firmly on the ground,
behind her, mounted the crate, and then proceeded to mount daisy in a most
primal fashion.

the deed completed, the lieutenant sauntered back to the barracks with a
look of deep satisfac- tion on his face.  as he rounded the corner of the
barracks, he happened upon the sergeant who was making his rounds of
checking on the sentries at the front gate.

pleased with himself for having accomplished what surely the lowliest
private in the regiment had done, the lieutenant couldn't wait to tell the
sergeant of his feat!

having heard the lieutenant's story, the sergeant said, "that's odd, sir.
 usually the men saddle her up and ride her to the brothel in town!"

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 22:11:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      oops!

i just got to the bottom of my stack of 37 (!) pieces of mail and discovered
that someone had already sent in a version of my "daisy the camel" story
(albeit obtusely more crude in wording), so...

here's a limerick, instead.  :)

a lady from boston, mass.
had a most magnificent ass.
it was not round, and pink,
as you plainly might think.
it was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

:)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 15 Oct 1993 23:28:54 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Gruesome punsy

ponder: Is embalming a dead issue?

I'd rather not get *wrapped up* in this!!    (UGH!)

I can't take all this <*sob*>, -I'm calling my mummy!

Hmmm .... this subject is beginning to *decay* somewhat. I find it hard to
read this with a *stiff* upper lip. Maybe it's just best to *glue my
eyelids shut*.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 16 Oct 1993 00:17:01 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bathroom wall reading

A classic example:

"My mother made me a homosexual!"

"If I pay for the wool, will she make me one, too?"

Theresa
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 16 Oct 1993 10:42:13 -0600
From:         "Paul E. Gray" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Song, variation on a theme, fun!

 VARIATION ON A THEME: SONG

Country road, lousey roads.
Taxes high, Gold is low.
West Virginia, Mountain Mamma.
Take me home, take me home.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 16 Oct 1993 12:33:57 EST

From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Taglines from the internet

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor.
Whatever is well conceived can be well expressed.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Abolish mornings.
Xerox never comes up with anything original anymore.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 16 Oct 1993 18:27:48 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Silly law for the day

Ran across another silly law today. I recently discovered beer batter-fried
vegetables taste mighty good. So this teetotaller went out and bought some
beer. Well, my first 6-pack finally ran out so I went out today to get
another,
and the person manning the check-out counter at the supermarket was a high-
school girl... and she had to call over someone to run the beer across the
laser-reader!

I can understand how that law came about -- we don't want our minors getting
drunk or anything -- but to not being able to hold the beer in a position for
the computer to read... that's getting rediculous... So she had to call an
older employee over to "sell" me the beer.

Ian
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 16 Oct 1993 21:16:25 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>

If speech communication folk use their mouths, what orifice do mass comm
folks use?

Nonverbal communicators perform unspeakable acts.

Then there was the person who wrote a dissertation on self-assertion. The
dedication simply said, "I had it coming to me."

                                                --Ed
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 16 Oct 1993 21:45:52 -600
From:         ANTHONY M BRINTON <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Censorship on the humor list.
I agree that this humor list should not be censored....this list is a
vital part to making my day go a little better....I hope that the people
who want this list to be a clean joke list will unsubscribe....and I hope
that those who post jokes to the list will also comply with the guideline
of putting notes about their jokes in the subject lines

Now for my stupid clean knock knock jokes.

Knock knock?            knock knock?
Who's There?            Who's There?
Boo!                    Banana!
Boo Who?                Banana Who?
I know you are glad to
see me but you don't    Knock Knock?
have to cry about it!   who's there?
                        Banana!
                        Banana who?

                        Knock knock.
                        Who's there?
                        Orange!
                        Orange who?
                        Orange you glad I didn't say banana

and a few others

printers do it again and again and again.

printers also do it w/out wrinkling the sheets.

Tony Brinton
e-mail  [e-mail]

These thoughts are mine, but I don't know where in the heck I got the
ability to think.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 17 Oct 1993 08:55:32 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      beds

Why People go to beds?
Because they kept falling off of the cielings?

Why Don't Southern Baptists make love standing up?
Looks too much like dancing.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 17 Oct 1993 19:47:29 SAT
From:         Tariq Mohammed Al-Yahya <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Re: beds

Why people go to beds ?
Because people can move but beds don't move !!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 17 Oct 1993 13:01:06 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Questions about heterosexuals <satire>

A SIMPLE QUESTIONAIRRE

 1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
 2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
 3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you will
  grow out of?
 4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of
  people of the same sex? Maybe you just need a positive gay experience?
 5. Heterosexuals have histories of failures in gay relationships. Do you
think
  you may have turned heterosexual out of fear of rejection?
 6. If you never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you
  wouldn't prefer that?
 7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental
  patients heterosexual?
 8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they
  react?
 9. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you leave me alone, but
  why do so many heterosexuals try to seduce others into that orientation?
10. If you should choose to nurture children, would you want them to be
hetero-
  sexual, knowing the problems they would face?
11. Most child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose
  your children to heterosexuals? Heterosexual teachers, particularly?
12. Why must heterosexuals be so blatant, making a public spectacle of your
  heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
13. Heterosexuals always assign themselves such narrowly restricted, stereo-
  typical sex roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
14. How can you have a fully satisfying deeply emotional or sexual experience
  with an opposite-sex person, when the obvious physical, biological, and
  temperamental differences are so vast? How can a man possibly understand
  what pleases a woman and vice-versa?
15. Heterosexual marriage has total societal support, yet the divorce rate
  continues to spiral. Why are there so few stable heterosexual
  relationships?
16. Since there are so few happy heterosexuals, techniques have been developed
  to help people change. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
17. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist/counsellor not to try to
  influence you to his/her own sexual leanings?
18. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that
  what makes them heterosexual?
19. A disproportionate number of criminals and other irresponsible types are
  heterosexual. So why would someone hire a heterosexual in a responsible
  position?
20. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous, always having affairs, etc.?
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 17 Oct 1993 18:42:15 -0500
From:         Michael Leavy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      This pun tops them all....

When I was in high school my father told me this and to this day I can't
forget
it(Unfortunatly)---

There is a horrible shipwreck and the only survivors are these two guys. The
ship went down so fast that they could get no supplies off the ship before
getting into the lifeboat. The only thing in the boat are these 3 cigarettes
in one of the guy's pockets. These guys are cold, wet, starving and just
waiting to be rescued. So after awhile these two guys want a cigarette to take
their minds off their predicament. But they have no way of lighting their
cigarettes. Suddenly the first guy has an idea...He throws one of the
cigarettes overboard and they both enjoy the remaining two cigarettes.

How did he do it....

Well, after he threw one of the cigarettes overboard, the lifeboat was :

ONE CIGARETTE LIGHTER.......

I told you it was bad..............
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 17 Oct 1993 20:25:17 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      gruesome punsey

ponder: Is embalming a dead issue?

Everyone should stop being so grave...it's not such a bad undertaking.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:52:30 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to innocent Red Riding Hoods

Before Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest to see her granny,
Mother warned her: "There is a Wolf in the woods. Be careful and if you
happen to meet him hide where you can."
So Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest. Suddenly she heard
something move nearby. As she saw no place to hide she hid her face in her
skirt. As she wore no underpants, it was a magnificient view for a young
hunter who appeared on the path. And he said to himself: Why not to make
use of the opportunity that is offering to me? And he began - you know what.
After a while Little Red Riding Hood dared to ask? "Are you the Wolf?" still
hidding her face. - "Of cource I am," answered the hunter. - "And what are
you doing? Are you eating me?" - " Yes, I am." - "So go on, wolf. I like it
very much."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 10:28:08 +0100
From:         Christoph Ehrendorfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      just one post each day

I have a small problem concerning my post-box. Since the amount of humors
increased significantly my box is full every day.

Some weeks ago I read a post that described the possiblity to receive only
one big post each day (something with DIGEST). Looking through m<y files I
could not find thist post. Please send this information to me or post it
again.

Thanks in advanve.

Joke:

How to pack 5 elefants in a VW beatle??

2 in front and 3 in the rear.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 09:31:43 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to limbless people

Q)      What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea?
A)      Bob!

Q)      What do you call a similarly disabled woman in a river?
A)      Flo!

Q)      What do you call an Arabian man with a pig on his head?
A)      Hammed!  (Ham-head)

Q)      What do you call the same gentleman cutting the grass?
A)      Mohammed!

Q)      What do you call a blind deer?
A)      No idea!

Q)      What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A)      Still no idea!

Q)      What do you call a blind deer with no legs or dick?
A)      Still no fucking idea!

These are worse....

Q)      What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A)      Cliff!

Q)      What do you call a man with a spade/shovel on his head?
A)      Doug! (dug)

Q)      What do you call the same man without his spade?
A)      Douglas! (dug less)

I used to know more, thank goodness I forgotten the rest!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 11:50:06 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Beer festival...

Here at Sheffield University, we have a beer festival every year.
I have misplaced the list of beers available, and I will print
em when I do find em, but the ones I cannot forget are:

        Headbanger's Ball
        Brewer's Foreskin.

Derryck.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 06:36:51 -0600
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         Steve Gorelick <[e-mail]>

A old man in Miami Beach gets hit by a car.

A policeman approaches him lying on the ground and asks: "Mr., Mr. are you
comfortable?"

The man think for a second and responds: "I make a good living."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 07:27:47 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Latin Humor (the language)

B00000000000000
B00000000000000

Subject: latin humor

Funniest latin joke I can remember is from _Life of Brian_, the
Monty Python movie.
      Brian has been assigned by his radical Jewish organization
to paint Roman's go home on the side of the colliseum.  He is
aprehended by a roman soldier who, at swords point corrects his
grammar, in exactically the manner of a latin teacher.  When his
script is correct, the soldier makes him write it 100 times
across the colliseum.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:08:48 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "do it",+more Jewish mothers

Automatic drivers do it with a foot to spare
IBM salesmen do it behind a corporate image
Irish voters do it early and often
Polish Popes do it lying down on the runway
Real programmers do it in machine code
Relay junkies do it at the terminal
Surfers do it standing up
Systems programmers do it in assembler
Milkmen do it early in the morning to housewives everywhere
Politicians do it all the time to everyone

"Oedipus smoedipus....so long as the boy loves his mother...."

A J.M. is holding her new twin grandchildren, one in each arm:
"This one here is zer doctor, und dat vun is der lawyer"

A social gathering, and Abe has had a few: "No, nothing more for me
Mrs Bloomstein; I've had two drinks already"
"Ach, you've had nine drinks actually, but whose counting?"

:)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:24:35 BST
From:         Gary Stephens <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Grafitti

Grafitto spotted recently (give or take a word or 3) in men's
room of Dublin pub :

    "If the blonde in the blue dress who was standing at the bar
     is reading this, then my suspicions are confirmed."

Gary
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 07:45:00 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more offensive to limbless people jokes

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot?
A: Stew (Stu).

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on a wall?
A: Art.

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen (I lean).

Q: An suppose she is Japanesse?
A: Irene.

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in an envelope?
A. Bill.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a toilette?
A. You guessed it, John.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and legs on a hot dog roll?
A. Frank.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done...
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 07:54:53 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      graffitti humor -- sexual content

Subject: political bathroom humor

     Bill Rauscher's post of political bathroom graffitti brought
back one from 1975. Someone had drawn this picture of Golda Maier
(the prime minister of Isreal) and had put under it, "There will
be no peace in the middle east until Golda Maier sucks Yasser
Arafat's cock." The appropriate parts of Yasser had been added to
the drawing.
   A third hand had added, "Fine, but first it has to be circumcized."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:37:15 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Latin Humor

>      Brian has been assigned by his radical Jewish organization
>to paint Roman's go home on the side of the colliseum.  He is
>aprehended by a roman soldier who, at swords point corrects his
>grammar, in exactically the manner of a latin teacher.  When his
>script is correct, the soldier makes him write it 100 times
>across the colliseum.

I loved this bit, too.  They way it actually went was, Brian wrote
"ROMANES, EUNT DOMUS," using the wrong noun case and verb conjugation;
the Roman soldier makes him correct it to "ROMANI, ITE DOMUM."

Theresa

"Denuone Latine loquebar?"
                Henry Beard, "Latin for All Occasions"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:41:33 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dog by cat <poem>

THE DOG (AS SEEN BY THE CAT) by Oliver Herford

The Dog is black or white or brown,
     And sometimes spotted like a clown.
He love to make a foolish noise,
     And Human Company enjoys.

The Human People pat his head
     And teach him to pretend he's dead,
And beg, and fetch, and carry, too;
     Things that no well-bred Cat will do.

At Human jokes, however stale,
     He jumps about and wags his tail,
And Human People clap their hands
     And think he really understands.

They say "Good Dog" to him.  To us
     They say "Poor Puss," and make no fuss.
Why Dogs are "good" and Cats are "poor"
     I fail to understand, I'm sure.

To Someone very Good and Just
     Who has proved worthy of her trust,
A Cat will sometimes condescend--
     The Dog is Everybody's friend!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 08:46:32 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: offensive to limbless people
Q)      What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your front
        doorstep?
A)      Matt

Q)      What do you call the same guy hanging on a wall?
A)      Art.

Q)      Same guy in your mailbox?
A)      Bill.

Q)      Same guy in a hole?
A)      Phil.

This is getting bad.  I must end it here.  Bye for now.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:59:16 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to limbless people

One final one.........

Q)      What do you call a man with no arms/legs who can swim?
A)      A clever dick!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 10:19:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pussy poem - [G]eneral audiences (yes!  really!  [G]!)

i remember, from my childhood, that this poem is actually lyrics which are
directly associated with the same tune that is used in the oscar mayer
bologna commercial as seen here in the united states (and elsewhere?).

you know...

my baloney has a first name
it's O-S-C-A-R
my baloney has a second name
it's M-A-Y-E-R

i like to eat it every day
and if you ask me why, i'll say
"'cause oscar mayer has a way
with B-O-L-O-G-N-A"

so.  if you know the commercial, you can fit the pussy poem to the tune.

i know a little pussy
her coat is silver grey
she lives down in the meadow
not very far away

although she is a pussy
she'll never be a cat
for she's a pussy-willow
now what do you think of that?

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 10:39:10 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      medical texts

I came across this today and thought some of you might appreciate the
humor in this, although admittedly this is a painful and serious
condition. . .

 from US GOVT CURRENT BIBLIOGRAPHIES IN MEDICINE;

 Gold D Jr. Justino JD. "Bicycle Kickstand" phenomenon:  prolonged
erections associated with antipsychotic agents.  South Med J 1988
Jun;81(6):792-4
p.s.
(wonder if it has the kink at the top?)

p.p.s.
(so, just who names these conditions anyway--someone with a sense of
humor,  I suppose)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:26:08 -0400
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten Lists (fwd)

---> October 15, 1993 <---

=================================================================
Top Ten Reason's Hillary Won't Be Invited Back to "Sesame Street"
=================================================================

10. Announced government plans to rid the nation of talking frogs by 1996
 9. Asked if she could spell "cat", she snapped "I'm a Yale graduate, you
    felt-faced freak!"
 8. Two words:  "Puppet Tax"
 7. Mistook Oscar the Grouch for a rat.  Beat him to death with a rake
 6. Insisted on wearing totally inappropriate cone bra
 5. She squeezed Big Bird a little too hard during the health care "Turn Your
    Head & Cough" segment
 4. Demanded dressing room fridge be stocked with malt liquor
 3. Told behind-the-scenes puppeteers "That's pretty much how I handle Bill"
 2. She pulled one of those Ted Danson deals
 1. Kept saying "Where the hell's Barney?"

---> October 14, 1993 <---

==================================================================
Top Ten Sign of Trouble in the Darryl Hannah/JFK. Jr. Relationship
==================================================================

10. She was overheard saying "Wait--you're not President Kennedy?"
 9. Loud public arguments over who's prettier
 8. Lots of finger-pointing after they lost People magazine's "Sexiest Couple
    Alive" title
 7. All of a sudden she doesn't want to wear the mermaid outfit in bed
 6. Madonna's at the Garden
 5. He keeps confusing her with Fabio
 4. Every day, big fights over mirror time
 3. He's jealous because she does better on Bar Exam
 2. She's sick of him saying "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask if
    you can get me another beer"
 1. Loni's available

---> October 1, 1993 <---

==================================
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date
==================================

10. You can't think of anything else on your date except strangling Chuck
    Woolery
 9. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine
 8. His multiple personalities begin arguing after dinner about splitting
check
 7. You find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time lifting his head
    out of the soup
 6. He's been on "Geraldo" three times
 5. After two beers he starts calling you "Mommy"
 4. All she wants to talk about is how much she loves working for her boss,
    Heidi Fleiss
 3. Every place you suggest for dinner, he says "Nah--there might be cops
    there."
 2. Insists that she was a virgin, but you know she was married to Sean Penn
 1. He takes you to a Met game
------------------------------------------------------------------ 36